| 2006 |
10 |
Playoff Picture
Provided as always by the Fighting HellFish
With so many interdivisional games (3 of the last 4 are interdivisional) the playoff scene is very unstable. Kudos to the schedule maker for making the late games in the season count.
| PAISTE |
 |
Win last four games to win division. Still statistically in the race for the wildcard.
|
|
 |
Win last four games to win division. Still statistically in the race for the wildcard. |
 |
Win last four games to win division. Still statistically in the race for the wildcard.
|
|
 |
Still statistically in the race for the division or wildcard. |
| ZILDJIAN |
 |
Win out to win the division.
|
|
 |
Win out and out score Rab (if Rab wins last three games) to win the division. Still statistically in the race for the wildcard. |
 |
Still statistically in the race for the division or wildcard.
|
| SABIAN |
 |
Magic number is one to win the division and clinch the top spot in the play-offs.
|
|
 |
Win last four games to automatically take the wild card. Win last four games, outscore Marino and Marino losses last four games to win division. |
 |
Still statistically in the race for the wildcard.
|
| 2006 |
9 |
BELLISSIMO!! |
| 2006 |
9 |
Dego Train Rolls On, 4th HSW, 9th Straight Win, Points Lead, Fish Take LSW, Smash Takes Zildjian Lead, Paiste Knotted Up, Sabian in Stallion Cruise Control |
 |
| 2006 |
9 |
Painsville, OH (AP) – Another week, another win, another HSW.
In what is turning out to be a story book 2006, The Stallions once again came up on the winning end, even though they had some good competition from the Doggs. However, even though the score was 106-92 in favor of the Stallions, the outcome was never in doubt, especially this year. The Stallions have been relying on the run-and-shoot, and they're arguably the first team to really succeed using it all season.
The Stallions have another not-so-easy game coming in week 10, when the Wyrmburners arrive. The Wyrms won their week 9 matchup against the Dead 77-73 with some MN magic, however, the points haven't been coming for the Wyrms, which they'll need plenty of to fend off the Stallions. - Commish |
| 2006 |
8 |
WHAT A RUSH |
| 2006 |
8 |
Rush Take HSW with 4th Highest Score in AFFL History, Leap to 2nd in Points, Defending Champs Sulk in Another LSW, Stallions Still Perfect, 8 in a Row, Maintain Points Lead, Paiste and Zildjian Have Tied Up Leaders |
 |
| 2006 |
8 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) – When the Rush win, GM Axl is happy, and the media gets relieved.
After setting the 4th highest total score in AFFL history in week 8 over division-rival Majesty 130-81, Axl was in a rare good mood with the media.
"You know what? Our team ain't so f^#$ing bad sometimes", Axl stated during the post-game conference, keeping the censors busy, as usual. "We really like the way our team is performing recently, and the first place to place many thanks is the team we just crushed."
Axl is obviously referring to the rather lopsided trade he made with the Majesty earlier in the year that sent Thomas Jones and Jason Witten to the Majesty for major contributors T.J. Houshmandzadeh and Kevin Jones. Many experts argue that this trade may have saved the Rush from a disastrous 2006.
The Rush should have a cupcake matchup this week against the defending champion Bugs, who suffered yet another defeat at the hands of the Doggs 84-39, but this writer is keeping this article anonymous, because if Axl finds out I started the ball rolling for bringing out the best in the Bugs... - Commish |
 |
| 2006 |
8 |
50-Spot
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) – In a bold move this weekend, The Majesty organization decided to spot The Axl Rush 50 points before the weekend’s contest. Majesty Operations Director, Cecil Blackdiamond, stated that “there is nowhere in the rules that restrict this kind of action”. He made these statements before the weekend contest – causing an uproar among Majesty fans hoping for their season to turn around. “I am very confident that we will not need these points”, stated Blackdiamond, “Look, it's not like the Axl Rush will score 130 points and beat us! I can never imagine that silly thing happening!”
The worst did happen. Retaining the extra 50 points would have made for a 81-80 victory for The Majesty. Majesty managers, outraged by Blackdiamond’s actions, have called for him to receive an old-school "Youngstown Tuneup" – pure mafia style. Current CEO Benny Anderson calmed Majesty fans by explaining that the organization will continue with “Three Golden Plans of Action” for the remainder of the season: (1) continue to have one player deliver zero points each and every week, (2) pray to the invisible-god-of-your-parents-choice for a high draft-pick in the 2007 season – since the Majesty can only perform well on the odd-calendar years, and lastly (3) yard sale! yard sale! yard sale! - BigD |
| 2006 |
7 |
PLAIN PEOPLE |
| 2006 |
7 |
Amish Grab a Tie and Win on MN, Doggs Score 100, Tie, and Lose, Stallions Maintain Points Lead, 7-Game Winning Streak, Scrubs Lose 15 of 16, Bugs Finally Win, Divisional Week 8 |
 |
| 2006 |
7 |
Hubbard, OH (AP) – You gotta love those backups.
Normally, hitting the century mark will give a team a win. However, when the opponent matches that score, things can get a little hairy. That's exactly what happened after MN, when the Amish and Doggs were tie at 100. It had to come down to the Amish's Jon Kitna and the Doggs' Charlie Frye. You can take it from there.
The Amish are now only one game outside the Paiste division lead, and as luck would have it, play the team they're looking up at, the Wyrmburners. The Wyrms are coming off an embarrassing defeat to the Boneville Bugs, who finally obtained their first victory. - Commish |
| 2006 |
6 |
THAT'S AMORE |
| 2006 |
6 |
Stallions 3 for 6 with HSW, 6-Game Win Streak, Maintains Points Lead, Still Undefeated, Scrubs Take LSW, Lose 14 of Last 15, Bugs Now 0-7, 4 Teams Go Over 100 |
|
| 2006 |
6 |
Painsville, OH (AP) – Domination seems to be the appropriate word to describe the Stallions of 2006.
The Stallions, once again the HSW, making it 3 out of 6, pole-axed the Majesty 116-67, maintaining a one-game lead in the Sabian as well as maintaining the AFFL Points lead. An extremely balanced attack from QB, RB, and REC headlined the show this week.
The Stallions will have their hands full in week 7 when the Smash come to play. The Smash are coming off a 105-66 lambasting of the Fighting Amish, once again tying by record for the Zildjian lead. - Commish |
 |
| 2006 |
6 |
Keeping Pace
Stow, OH (AP) - Yes, the Stallions are running wild in the 2006 AFFL season. However, they aren't running away.
The Fighting HellFish have been keeping up right behind the AFFL's best team. At 5-1, after a 112-74 convincing defeat of the beaten-down Bugs, the Fish are only 22 points behind in the points lead. There is only one blemish so far this season, and that is the loss to the Wyrmburners in week 2.
Week 7 delivers a good matchup for the Fish in the Doom Legion, who survived what could have possibly been the biggest dose of MN magic in AFFL history, but beating the Dead 73-70. - Commish |
| 2006 |
5 |
CATCH OF THE DAY |
| 2006 |
5 |
HellFish Secure HSW By Surviving a 1-Point Victory with "Reverse" MN Magic, Smash Crash to Earth with LSW, Bugs Already Smashed Into the Earth with Another LSW and a 5-Game Losing Streak, Stallions Riding 5-Game Winning Streak, WindBag Takes Over 1st in Zildjian, Stallions Undefeated, Maintain Points Lead, Bugs Winless |
|
| 2006 |
5 |
Stow, OH (AP) – If a tree falls in the woods and nobody hears it, does it make a sound? If you do not have a player in the Monday night football game, can you still attribute your win to the “Monday Night Magic”? This reporter says yes to both questions. The Fighting Hellfish clung to a mere nine point lead over the Day of the Dead heading into the Monday night game. With quarterback Jake Plummer preparing for the game, it was almost assured that the Day of the Dead would come away with a win to claim second place in the Sabian division.
Dating back to the early years of the league, the Hellfish have been the recipient of a lot of MNF magic, and last night was no exception. Needing nine points to tie or ten for a win, the Dead’s hopes were on their starting quarterback. After a dismal first half in which he compiled a combined zero points, Plummer looked to try and save the game by slowly adding points as the second half progressed. With less than two minutes left, Plummer completed a touchdown pass, bringing the point total to eight. Unfortunately for the Dead, it would be their last points.
Jason Lindsey, the usually out-spoken owner of the Hellfish, who has been relatively quiet this year, provided a brief comment: “The Dead have a really good team this year, and we were fortunate to barely get the win. I love it when close games are decided on Monday night.”
With the win over the Dead and the defeat of the Axl Rush last week, who the Hellfish have an impressive 11 wins and 1 loss to, the Hellfish are now sitting in second place in the Sabian division behind the surprising Italian Stallions. The week six match-up of the Hellfish versus the Boneville Bugs is a rematch of the 2005 Superbowl. - JL |
 |
| 2006 |
5 |
Doom Exterminate Bugs
Canfield, OH (AP) - In yet another attempt to grab that elusive banner, Dan's Doom Legion took another step towards that goal in dominating the Bugs 84-44, taking over first place by points in the Zildjian. This brings the Boneville Bugs to 0-5, in what is turning out to be a nightmare season for the defending champs. Donovan McNabb, as well as the Minnesota Def, provided the firepower for the Doom.
Week 6 provides a good matchup for the Doom, in which the Day of the Dead come strolling in, losing a huge heartbreaker to the HellFish 85-84, in which Jake Plummer couldn't get much done in the terrible weather at Investco at Mile High. - Commish |
|
| 2006 |
5 |
Double-Dip Chaps Rush GM's A$$
South Euclid, OH (AP) - In a very rare circumstance, the Axl Rush were burned by a double-dip touchdown against the Fighting Amish. Reggie Bush of the New Orleans Saints, held without a touchdown up to this week, scored on a punt return. Since the Amish also started the New Orleans defense, this touchdown counted twice in the official scoring.
"Did you really expect this to happen against any other team?", Axl Rush GM Axl retorted, after a reporter asked if he was surprised at the scoring. "This organization has seen more bad luck in its existence than you guys are about to endure." And at that moment, a famous line from Seinfeld came blarring over the Peart HQ press room sound system over and over and over again: "You double-dipped the chip!!" Gallons upon gallons of salsa, guacamole, and cheese dip came flowing from pipes above the press room ceiling, reminiscent of the Hellmann's incident of week 10 2004 and the Christmas incident of week 14 2005. The press thought Axl had changed.
Sibling rivalry ensues for week 6 as the Rush take on the Doggs, in which the Doggs handed the Smash a defeat by a score of 70-44. - Commish |
| 2006 |
4 |
YOUR HIGHNESS |
| 2006 |
4 |
Majesty Get 1st HSW Since Week 14 '03, Rush Claim LSW, Stallions Remain Undefeated, Maintain Points Lead, Bugs Stay Winless, Divisional Week 5 |
|
| 2006 |
4 |
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) - If there is every a way to "get off the schnide", this would be it. Following the defensive dominating trend of 2006, the Majesty rode the Chiefs defense to a crushing 133-70 victory over the Doggs, who now drop to 1-3 on the year. The Majesty, who didn't even need the Chiefs blow-up for this game, came into the game at 0-3 and at the basement of the Zildjian. However, with this outstanding performance, they have vaulted out from the bottom, placing the Axl Rush in last, based on points.
The reward for the Majesty this week is the Paiste first-place Wyrmburners, who are coming off of their first loss of the year to the resurrected Smash. - Commish |
 |
| 2006 |
4 |
The Resurgence Continues
Cranberry, PA (AP) - The Smash are keeping it rolling in their return to good form as they handed the Wyrmburners their first loss of the year, 94-51. Marc Bulger lead the way with 27 points, with good overall balance from the rest of the team.
The Smash will try to maintain their one-game lead by playing the divisional rival Doggs in week 5, who lost to the Majesty in week 4. - Commish |
| 2006 |
3 |
SMASHING!! |
| 2006 |
3 |
Smash Get 1st HSW Since FFA '03, The Dead Revert to a Dead-Like LSW, Wyrms and Stallions Undefeated, Bugs and Majesty Winless |
|
| 2006 |
3 |
Cranberry, OH (AP) - It's the year 2000 all over again.
In an offensive showing not seen since the dominating days of the year 2000, the Titleist Smash unleashed an offensive blow from the depths of the moth balls on the 0-3 Defending Champion Bugs 97-67. An all-around great day was led by 2nd round pick Clinton Portis. The last time the Smash won a HSW was the Free-For-All of 2003. The Smash also have a one-game lead in the Zildjian.
Next for the Smash is the 3-0 Wyrmburners, who managed to escape with a 77-73 win over the Axl Rush with some rather anemic double RB scoring. - Commish |
|
| 2006 |
3 |
Doom and Gloom Without S.A.
Canfield, OH (AP) - Nearby neighbors in Canfield, OH could clearly hear the cries of one FF owner. Those cries sounded something like, “Damn You John Madden, I hope you and your Madden curse burn in hell…Ass sweat circling… Waste of money… No banners…” No one can confirm the rumors that the owner of the Doom Legion was crying when he heard the news of the injury to Shaun Alexander. Adding to this disappointment is the loss to the F bomb after a Monday night flop of the Doom Legions players. On Tuesday the owner reported, “there’s gonna be some changes around here, no one is safe. If Morten Anderson can come out of retirement at age 62, I’m sure I can make room for one my former studs Peerless Price.” LIS - WindBag |
| 2006 |
2 |
YO! ADRIAN! |
| 2006 |
2 |
Stallions 2 for 2 with HSW, Majesty Take LSW, Dead Off to 2-0 Start and 6 Game Winning Streak, Defending AFFL Champs Now 0-2, Bye Weeks Begin, Divisional Games Week 3 |
|
| 2006 |
2 |
Painesville, OH (AP) - Two weeks. Two High Scorer of the Weeks.
The Stallions, who before this year only had more HSW's than the ill-fated, one-year "Cassidy" organization, with 3 HSWs, have now gone 2 for 2 in 2006, beating the stout Fighting Amish 97-78 and kept their lead in the Sabian. Once again, the Ravens defense was a big contributor to the win, along with Brees, DJax, Stallworth, and Vinatieri. Rocky Balboa, who was present at the game, gave the Stallion locker room a huge lift with his pre-game speech.
After coming off this win, the Stallions are now facing another early season test as divisional week arrives. The Dead, showing their muscle with a 79-55 victory over the Doggs, will come into this game looking for an early Sabian lead. - Commish |
 |
| 2006 |
2 |
10-Game Losing Streak Finally Snapped
Lakewood, OH (AP) - Finally, the Super Scrubs have reason to cheer. After a terrible 2005 season and opening to the 2006 season, the Scrubs finally snapped their 3rd-longest AFFL losing streak by beating the defending champion Bugs 96-69, with a balanced attack, led by Bengals Carson Palmer and Rudi Johnson. This was a solid and important victory, as the Sabian, who in 2005 was a laughing stock, now seems to have opened the 2006 season as the strongest division in the league, top to bottom. Every victory will be important.
A great divisional matchup is in store for week 3 as the Scrubs face the 1-1 Fighting Hellfish, who are coming off a 90-75 setback to the Wyrmburners. - Commish |
|
| 2006 |
2 |
Pittsburgh, PA (AP) - Axl Rush GM Axl was in downtown Pittsburgh, PA to view the Monday Night matchup between the Steelers and Jaguars with Steeler owner Dan Rooney in Axl's private penthouse suite at the Double Tree. Axl was also in town to attend some league seminars. There was some speculation that Axl was also in town for some league anger management courses. This was not comfirmed, and no member of the media dared to ask Axl directly about the rumor, especially after their wafer-thin loss to the Doom Legion 76-73. He did comment about the game, however.
"We're really starting to wonder about our QB situation, as the pickup of Rex clearly indicates. If Pep wants to be a member of the Rush, he needs to stop playing like $&^#, simple as that." Axl also seemed to have enjoyed the Jaguars defensive domination of the Steelers, even as hard as he was trying to be respectful to Mr. Rooney.
With a 1-1 record, the Rush may find week 3 to be a challenge as they face the 2-0 Wyrmburners in their week 3 divisional matchup. They will also be without their leading scorer LaDainian Tomlinson, who is on bye for week 3. - Commish |
| 2006 |
1 |
FORZA STALLIONS!! |
| 2006 |
1 |
Stallions Claim HSW By Matching the Century Mark, Defending AFFL Champion Bugs Open with a LSW, The Zildjian Goes 0-4, 2 DEF Shutouts, Scrubs Lose 10th Straight |
|
| 2006 |
1 |
Painesville, OH (AP) - What a difference the start of the season can make.
After what some might deem a questionable draft, the Italian Stallions showed their critics that pre-season babble means nothing by beating the Doom convincingly, 100-73. A strong Raven defensive charge led to the victory. Even as the Stallions came into this matchup with a highly-debatable run-and-shoot offense, they came away with a century-mark performance and the HSW.
The Stallions will roll into an already-great week 2 matchup with the Fighting Amish, who pounded the defending AFFL Champion Bugs 86-45. - Commish |
 |
| 2006 |
1 |
Is This a Turnaround?
Chagrin Falls, OH (AP) - Speaking of dominating defenses, the Dead continued where they left off last year by spanking the '05 Paiste Champion Majesty 89-54. Although the Dead were able to reacquire Larry Johnson for this year, it was the Bear defense that fronted the Dead attack. This win continues the win streak for the Dead at 5, dating back to last year. Could this be the return to the playoffs for the Dead, who haven't made it since 1999? - Commish |
| 2005 |
14 |
PEARLY GATES |
| 2005 |
14 |
The Dead Finish Another Bad Season On Top With a HSW, Win 3rd Straight, Axl Rush Choke Horribly, Miss Playoffs and Take a LSW for Good Measure, Doggs Take Zildjian, Win 6th Straight, Majesty Takes the Paiste and 4th Straight, HellFish Win the 1st Sabian Title, Scrubs Lose 9th Straight, Smash Lose 4th Straight, Doggs Have Points Lead Going Into Free-For-All |
|
| 2005 |
14 |
Chagrin Falls, OH (AP) - It wasn't that long ago that the Dead were the laughing stock of the AFFL. However, almost at the drop of a hat (and a Priest Holmes injury), the Dead have won their final 4 games of the season, and 5 of the last 6, finishing at 5-9, after starting 0-8. Even though the Dead will not be in the 2005 AFFL Playoffs, it has been quite a remarkable turnaround. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
14 |
What a Choke
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Through 13 weeks, the Axl Rush seemed poised for a trip to the 2005 AFFL playoffs after a 1-year absence. All that was needed was a victory in week 14 to secure that trip. Who knew that it would be another dreadful quarterback performance that would doom the Rush.
Carson Palmer, who leads the AFFL in scoring, came up with his lowest output of the year (7), at the most critical time. His previous low of 14 would have been enough to give the Rush the Paiste title and a trip to the playoffs. You may recall that Peyton Manning of the 2003 Axl Rush put up his worst performance of the year during the 2003 AFFL Super Bowl, costing the Rush the league championship.
The AFFL's 2nd leading scorer (through week 13), LaDainian Tomlinson, posted his second 3-point job of the year, again, at the worst possible time.
"What can I %$@ing say", says Axl Rush GM Axl. "If these choke jobs think they'll be on this payroll next year, they can kiss my rosy red #%$^ing a#$. Oh and Happy @%#$ing Holidays."
As the media cleans up the pine tree sap, pine needles, and holly berries dropped from the ceiling tiles above the press conference room here at Axl Rush Peart HQ, loyal Axl Rush fans can only dream about next year and what could have been this year. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
14 |
Hellfish Worship Dead
Stow (AP) - Worship might be excessive, but the Fighting Hellfish are certainly grateful that the Dead handed the Stallions a season ending loss. For the second time in three years, the Day of the Dead have triumphed over the Italian Stallions, eliminating their playoff hopes in the final week of the regular season. The Fish, and possibly the Doggs, are the biggest benefactors of the Dead's win.
The Doggs have to be happy drawing the league's second lowest scorer in the first round of the playoffs. This match up greatly favors the league leading Doggs, who hope to be feasting on fish in the first round. The week 14 loss by the Bugs, which set up this match up, does present the opportunity for a 2004 Superbowl rematch if the Hellfish can pull out a miracle win and the Majesty are defeated. During week 4 the Bugs were able to pull off a close two point win due to former Hellfish quarterback Josh McCown. It was that game that sent the Hellfish organization into a downward spiral and alienated the owner and general manager from media attention. In his only comment since that game, Jason Lindsey had this to say about the impending first round game, "We have had a disappointing year by our standards and we are lucky to be in this position. We hope that our veterans from last year's team can lead the way to playoff success. I have no more comments."
With the addition of the Hellfish's win over the Scrubs, the team improves their record to 8-6, becoming the first division winner of the newly formed Sabian division. This marks the third year in a row that the Hellfish have won their division, extending their record streak. The Hellfish previously won the Zildjian division in 2003 and the Paiste division in 2004. - JL |
|
| 2005 |
14 |
Majesty Clinch Paiste
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) – Long live the King. The Majesty have captured two division crowns in three years. Torry Holt, the only remaining member of the 2003 team, looks ahead with cautious optimism, “We know the Bugs are tough, but we must stay focused for our two most importat more games.” When asked how he feels this year’s team matches up with the 2003 squad, Holt explained that much of their current success is all about match-ups. “Our 2003 team constantly was scoring near 80 points weekly. Our 11-3 record proved our consistency. This years group is more seasoned and are unafraid to keep the points low, welcoming the challenge to turn the game into a street-fight.”
As the playoff weekend nears, a recent marketing failure has surfaced regarding a “royal” promotional tie-in between the Majesty, Elvis “The King” Presley, and Burger King restaurants. BK executives crushed the secret promotional campaign by choosing “King Kong” for their holiday kids meals, rather than the Majesty.
“What a disappointment”, stated the Majesty promotions director at a recent teleconference, “You would think that Elvis would still carry some credibility around the holidays, being The King and all. We now have to find a way to dispose of all the merchandise already created for the kids meals: mini Majesty helmet, flammable toy Boneville Bugs (including purple/yellow matches), ‘Blue Blue Christmas’ mini-CDs, and season tickets (returned from most owners) for the 2006-2007 Wyrmburner home games (no one seems to want these). All is not lost. If we are victorious this weekend, we will try another major promotion.” - BigD |
| 2005 |
13 |
BUG OFF!! |
| 2005 |
13 |
Bugs Take 2nd HSW, On 3-Game Winning Streak, Clinch at Least the Wild Card, Fish Fall From 1st and Take LSW, Doggs on 5-Game Winning Streak, Maintain Points Lead, Majesty on 4-Game Winning Streak, Dead (THE DEAD??) on 3-Game Winning Streak, Losing Streaks: Scrubs (8), Wyrms (5), Doom (4), Smash (3), Rush Leave 44 Points on Bench with Seattle D, Doom Has to Wait for Banner |
 |
| 2005 |
13 |
One Day Garages, Hubbard, OH (AP) - Maintaining their lead-leading 10-3 record, the Boneville Bugs have clinched at least a Wild Card berth with their 79-61 win over the completely-fallen-apart Wyrms. Strong performances from Mike Anderson and Anquan Boldin made this one look almost easy. In fact, QB Matt Hasselbeck was able to take the night off and rest.
And rest he will need. To win the Zildjian, the Bugs will have to defeat the hottest team in the league, Benny's Doggs. It was an interesting game for the Doggs, as they squeaked by the Axl Rush, 63-62. In that game, Shawn Alexander was pulled at halftime after he was no longer needed. Interestingly enough, the Axl Rush decided to pull Seattle's defense, who scored a defensive-record 44 points, for Miami's. - Commish |
 |
| 2005 |
13 |
Playoff Scenarios
Furnished by JL
Paiste:
Ferone
Division: Defeat Dion
Dion
Division: Defeat Alex
Wild Card: Lose to Alex, Benny loses to Shan and outscores Benny by 40 points.
Zildjian:
 Shan
Division: Defeat Benny
Wild Card: Lose to Benny
FeroneBenny
Division: Defeat Shan
Wild Card: Lose to Shan and outscores Dion IF Dion loses to Alex
Sabian:
Lindsey
Division: Defeat JD and Tony loses to Kevin or lose to JD, Tony loses to Kevin , but outscores by 67 points.
Marino
Division: Defeat Kevin and JL loses to JD or lose to Kevin, JL loses to JD and has more points than JL.
|
| 2005 |
12 |
HAIR OF THE DOGG |
| 2005 |
12 |
Doggs Snatch Their 3rd HSW, 4-Game Winning Streak, Maintain Points Lead, Doom Bench QB and Grab LSW, Majesty on 3-Game Winning Streak, Scrubs Drop 7th Straight, Wyrms Lose 4th Straight, Doom Lose 3 Straight, Amish, Wyrms, and Scrubs Join the Eliminated |
 |
| 2005 |
12 |
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - Nothing is stopping the Doggs at this point. With another convincing win over the Smash, 108-69, the Doggs are in the driver's seat. If they win their next 2 games against the Rush and the division leading Bugs, they win their 2nd Zildjian title. Their whole roster seems to be contributing, which makes them a solid favorite for a 2nd AFFL title.
As stated, a very good matchup is scheduled for critical week 13 against the Rush, who polished off the Wyrms 91-53 and put the final nail in the coffin for their playoff hopes. It should be very interesting for the Rush and Doggs, as they sit side-by-side this Sunday watching a terrible Browns team at Cleveland Browns Stadium. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
12 |
Playoff Scenarios
Furnished by JL
Paiste:
Alex Division: 2 wins or Dion losses 2 games or lose only game to Dion, but have more points
Wild Card: Dion wins the division, 1 win and out scores the Benny / Shan if Benny loses 1 game or Shan loses 2 games
Dion Division: 2 wins or Alex losses 2 games or lose only game to Alex, but have more points
Wild Card: Alex wins the division, 1 win and out scores the Benny / Shan if Benny loses 1 game or Shan loses 2 games or no wins and Benny loses last 2 games, Tony wins 2 games (and doesn't win division), Dan wins 2 games and Dion outscores all three teams
Zildjian:
Shan Division: 2 wins or Lose 2 games and Benny losses next game, but Shan has more points or Lose 1 game to Benny, Benny wins 2 games and Shan has more points than Benny
Wild Card: Benny wins division, 1 win and out score the Alex/Dion game winner
Benny Division: 2 wins and out score Shan or Shan losses next game and Benny beats Shan week 14 and has more points
Wild Card: 1 win and out score the Alex/Dion game winner
Dan Division: Unable to win division
Wild Card: 2 wins and Alex wins last 2 games and Benny loses to Shan and Dan outscores both teams.
Sabian:
JL Division: 1 win and Tony loss or two losses and two Tony loses or two losses and one Tony loss, but have more points.
Wild Card: 1 win and 2 Tony wins and Alex wins last 2 games and Benny loses last 2 games and JL outscores both teams or 2 Dan wins, 1 Tony win and out scores Dan.
Tony Division: 2 wins and 2 JL losses or 1 win and 2 JL losses, but have more points or 2 wins and 1 JL loss, but have more points
Wild Card: 2 wins and Alex wins last 2 games and Benny loses to Shan and Tony outscores both teams. |
| 2005 |
11 |
GIVE A DOGG A BONE |
| 2005 |
11 |
Doggs Take Their 2nd HSW, Riding 3-Game Winning Streak, Take Points Lead, Fish Nab LSW Again, Scrubs Lose 6th Straight, Wyrms Lose 3rd Straight, Smash and Dead Eliminated, Entire Sabian Takes Bottom 4 Points Positions, Stallions and HellFish Vie for Sabian Lead in Week 12 |
|
| 2005 |
11 |
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - The Doggs seems to be getting hot at the right time. After a 99-81 defeat over the Doom, the Doggs find themselves in the middle of a 3-game winning streak, atop the points chase, 1 game behind the Zildjian-leading Bugs, and occupying the Wild Card spot. With 3 games left, this is a good spot to be in, but far from locked up.
The Doggs get a cupcake game this week, playing the Zildjian basement-swelling Smash, who are reeling from a 74-63 defeat at the hands of the Bugs. - Commish |
| 2005 |
10 |
POWER OUTAGE |
| 2005 |
10 |
Amish Take H.S.W., Points Leader Rush Take L.S.W., Dead Winning Streak Ends at 1, Bye Weeks Over, Division Week 11, Commish Prays Before Porcelain God in Washington D.C. Thanks To Wicked-Ass Chinese Food |
|
| 2005 |
10 |
Hubbard, OH (AP) - Things seemed a little grim when the Amish saw the Dead coming in for week 10. The Dead were coming off their first win of the season, and the momentum was building. However, reality set in, and the Amish took care of the Dead by a H.S.W. score of 86-74. This keeps the Paiste in a log jam, as the Amish are only one game back and 64 points behind the division-leading Rush.
Speaking of the Rush, an important divisional battle ensues in week 11 between the Amish and the Rush, who are coming off a L.S.W. defeat of 70-38 to the HellFish.- Commish |
|
| 2005 |
10 |
Axl Pukes After Loss, Literally
Washington, D.C. (AP) - After a bitter defeat in week 10 to the HellFish, in which the Axl Rush obtained the L.S.W., Axl Rush GM was seen receiving some take-out Chinese food from a very shady place in Washington D.C. Sources close to the Rush say that Axl had to get away from the Peart HQ before he would have really gone overboard after the Rush's terrible loss. Some rumors depict that Axl was in town visiting Daniel Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins, but those rumors are totally unfounded.
However, Axl probably regrets making the trip. Those same sources tell AFFL's Total Access that Axl became violently ill after eating a dish called "L9", a.k.a "Beef and Broccilli". Only the good Lord knows where that vomit would have ended up had this happened at the Axl Rush press conference.
- Commish |
| 2005 |
9 |
OUT OF THE GRAVE |
| 2005 |
9 |
Dead Break 12-Game Losing Streak, Get the HSW, Fish Stink Up With the LSW, Rush Riding 4-Game Winning Streak, Scrubs On 4-Game Skid, Bugs Guaranteed .500 Finish |
|
| 2005 |
9 |
Chagrin Falls, OH (AP) - You gotta love FF.
Any given Sunday must apply to the AFFL as well, because on paper, The Dead were as good as gold tying the all-time losing streak posted by the Majesty at unlucky 13. However, it was not to be, as not only did the Dead lambaste the Wyrms 96-68, they also took the HSW.
It was a great showing by the Dead, who relied on performances by Dilfer, Johnson, Jurevicius , and the Carolina D, then highlighted by an old-school, pre-2nd-worth-a-damn-receiver Harrison.
Although the playoffs are out of the question for the dead, they're dancing in their graves at Dead HQ.
The Dead have a week 10 date with the Amish, who are sulking from an 80-56 defeat at the hands of the Doggs. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
9 |
Week 10 Worries
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Even though the Axl Rush are riding a 4-game winning streak, things seem to be a little uncomfortable at Peart HQ. Their Week 10 opponent, the Fighting Hellfish, are 9-1 lifetime against the Rush. The Rush are losing 2 of their top scorers in LT2 and Gates in week 10, and the Fish are coming off a 77-37 ass-beating at the hands of the Smash. All of this seems to be building up for a Rush loss.
"Anytime you are atop your division, you're a %$^%ing sitting duck", said Axl Rush GM Axl, in their post-game press conference after their 84-41 drubbing of the Stallions. "Now we have those stinking %$^#ing pink Fish coming in. I'm not comfortable one %$*#ing bit."
Incidentally, all broadcast and recording equipment came out safely after the Rush news conference. We can only hope for more sane behavior next week. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
9 |
Fun Fact
League sources reported that the Doom won their AFFL game on the very last play of the Monday Nighter in New England. Apparently, the Colts defense sacked Doug Flutie, causing a fumble which the Colts recovered. The Doom won their AFFL matchup by 2 points. - Commish |
| 2005 |
8 |
BUM RUSH |
| 2005 |
8 |
Rush Get 2nd H.S.W., Dead One Game Away From All-Time Losing Streak Record, Nab L.S.W., Almost Break Lowest Score In a Game by 1, Fish and Dead Shatter Lowest Combined Points In a Game Record, Wyrms Crack 100 |
|
| 2005 |
8 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Dead silence.
Normally, there would be cause for concern if this was any other AFFL team HQ. However, silence at the Peart HQ must mean things are looking good, for the moment, for the Axl Rush. However, you won't hear Axl Rush GM Axl say those words.
"What in the Sam Hill #&%@ are you trying to do? Jinx us?", said Axl, after their crushing 104-40 win over the Fighting Amish. Axl was on AFFL's Total Access program when the interview occurred. Total Access' Rich Eisen was merely asking Axl if they seemed to be in control of the Paiste and in line for a playoff spot.
"Hell %^$&ing no we're not! Have you seen the Paiste? It's by far the best division in the AFFL. What the hell division do you think we're in? The Sabian?"
Speaking of the Sabian, The Rush's next opponent will be the Stallions, who are coming off a 71-56 divisional win over the Scrubs. - Commish |
 |
| 2005 |
8 |
Death Of A Local Executive: WyrmBurners To Blame
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) - They say revenge is sweet, but it doesn't help ease the pain. Such is the case for the staff at WyrmBurner HQ in the quiet little corner of Ohio that is Newton Falls. Hi...This is Cleveland Dee reporting live from the scene of a horrific event that has transpired here in Bar Harbor. Our sources indicate that the body of Lloyd Williams, Director of Operations at the highly over-rated Majesty HQ was found some time early Tuesday morning. The mangled carcass was discovered by janitorial services prior to business hours on Tuesday. "Holy $h*!...Look what they 'dun to him!", remarked Donte Worthlesstall as he was emptying garbage cans from the men's restroom. Though local authorities won't confirm or deny, rumors have been circulating that the cause of death was...well...uummm...being mauled by a sandwyrm. "It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened here", says pizza delivery boy and part time Majesty TE Todd Heapofcrap. "It was clearly a message from those blasted Wyrmburners. Poor Mr Williams never should have called them out...and, man...did you see what he did to that little earthwyrm?". Though the sandwyrm, earthworm, and fearsome WyrmBurner are not directly related, they fall close enough in the same species to arouse suspicion. When asked to comment on the tragedy, the only response from WyrmBurner HQ was, "They suck and it sucks to be them". This reporter has to agree...the Majesty has fallen in the rankings after suffering a humiliating defeat at the hands of the projected champion WyrmBurners. - Filth
 |
| 2005 |
7 |
MENNONITE MAYHEM |
| 2005 |
7 |
Amish On a 4-Game Winning Streak, Nab the H.S.W., Dead Get L.S.W., Losing Streak Up to 11, 2 Away From Tying Record, HellFish Move Into 1st in the Sabian, Division Week 8 |
|
| 2005 |
7 |
Hubbard, OH (AP) - Riding a hot streak after starting 0-3, the Amish fought off an irregularly-aggressive Smash attack and won 93-80 to continue their winning streak to 4 games. Brett Favre and the Philly defense had great games, and Clinton Portis, who had yet to sniff the endzone until this week, hit paydirt 3 times.
A very important divisional game comes up for week 8, pitting the Amish against the Rush, who are coming off a low-scoring 64-54 win over the Bugs.- Commish |
|
| 2005 |
7 |
QB Controversy at Majesty Camp
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) - “I cannot believe I missed Sunday’s game,” Majesty quarterback Trent Green said about his absence from the starting lineup. “I thought everyone said that the game was on Friday night! Once I heard it was a Friday game, I made important golfing plans for Sunday. What a fool I am,” grumbled Green at a post-game press conference.
Unable to find Green during the early morning hours before the game, The Majesty organization promoted emergency quarterback, Jamie Martin. “I was busy cleaning the floors of the bathroom when Coach told me to get suited up and get ready to play immediately,” smiled Martin. “I never imagined that I could start on a division-leading team like the Majesty. I barely know all the football rules. I was really hoping I could help the team by throwing a touchdown, kick the ball, get a homerun or some other kind of football stuff. It sure was neat.”
Going into the week’s contest, The Majesty have the leagues highest AFFL Power Ranking. “We are thrilled with this news,” exclaimed Lloyd Williams, director of operations. “I hired a staff of 7 full-time mathematicians to learn how this ranking works. So far, our experts have only learned how to click on the AFFL website’s REPORTS and POWER-RANKINGS buttons to view the official results. We think this is something very important to understand, but we have not cracked the secret mathematical formula yet.”
When asked whether the team finds any real value in this ranking, Lloyd Williams simply stated that it's a good sign that the team is heading in the right direction. "It should be an easy week," Williams concluded as he swiftly smashed an ugly earthwyrm beneath his boot. - BigD |
| 2005 |
6 |
DOGG SHOW |
| 2005 |
6 |
Doggs Almost Set New All-Time High Scorer Record, Scrubs Pop, Get L.S.W., Rush Take Points Lead Again, Dead Ties Own 2nd All Time Losing Streak |
|
| 2005 |
6 |
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - What a huge swing for Benny's Doggs. After scoring 37 and 58 points the past 2 weeks, The Doggs scored a hell of a lot more than that combined this week by opening the Whoop-Ass can against the Stallions 131-50. The Doggs were a Mike Vanderjagt-missed-field-goal away from breaking the All-Time High Score in One Week record. The record was broken by the Scrubs during week 13 of the 2004 season (134). The last time a team hit the 130s was when the record was broken by the Rush, back on week 7 of the 2000 season (132).
The Doggs play the very very Dead Dead in week 7, who are coming off their 10 straight defeat to the Bugs, 70-63. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
6 |
Doom Doomed Without Starting QB?
Canfield, OH (AP) The owner of the Legion was asked about his annual loss to the Fighting
Amish and stated, "Going into Monday night's game, I still think we had a shot at
breaking this curse against the Amish, but then when my quarterback got hurt
by my own defense, I knew it was over. At least in years past we had a shot
of not having to play them every year, but now we're Doomed to be bitch
year after year. This would have been a statement to the league that we are
for real. For the first time in years we knew what it felt like to lead the
league, and hopefully someday it will happen again."
This loss could send the Doom Legion into a tailspin, especially if their
anchor quarterback is out for any extended period of time. We'll see what
the future holds for the Doom Legion, and if you were looking at the Magic 8
Ball, it would say "outlook not good" - Daaan |
|
| 2005 |
6 |
Buser on a Hot Streak
Hubbard, OH (AP) - After Week 3 ended with a 124-55 drubbing by the Wyrms, and a record of 0-3, all seemed lost for the Amish. However, that must have been the wakeup call. The Amish have reeled off 3 straight wins and are tied for second by record in the Paiste, coming off a 79-59 win over the Doom.
The Amish streak may continue in week 7, with a matchup against the Smash, who are reeling from an 83-56 defeat at the hands of the Majesty.- Commish |
| 2005 |
5 |
ROLL THE BONES |
| 2005 |
5 |
Bugs and Wyrms Get H.S.O.T.W., Bugs Get $$$ Through 1st Backup, Fish Take L.S.O.T.W., Sabian Teams Can't Break 50, Dead Inching Toward All-Time Losing Streak, Top 3 Scoring Teams All From Paiste |
|
| 2005 |
5 |
One Day Garages, Hubbard, OH (AP) - Look out now, but the Bonevile Bugs seem to be firing on all cylinders at the moment, up-ending the Doggs 98-58 and extending their winning streak to 3 games. A very balanced attack was no match for the Doggs, who now drop to 2-3. The Buggs are currently tied for the division lead at 4-1 but are in second place, 17 points behind the division-leading Doom.
The Bugs will have a cake-eating contest next week, playing the dreadful Dead, who dropped their 9th game in a row against the Stallions. This currently ties the 3rd longest streak in AFFL history. A loss in week 6 will tie their own record of 10 straight losses. The all-time record is 13 straight losses, held by the Majesty. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
5 |
Scrubs Atop Division of 40-Somethings
Lakewood, OH (AP) - Yes, the Scrubs are atop the Sabian, but it couldn't be an uglier. The entire division currently holds 4 of the bottom 5 positions in total team scoring. In fact, the division-leading Scrubs are second-to-last in the league in scoring, however, they currently share the best record in the league with the Doom and the Buggs.
The Scrubs go against the "Bring Out Your Best" Rush in Week 6, who fell to division rival and co-H.S.O.T.W. Wyrms 98-70. - Commish |
| 2005 |
4 |
GOSH DOOM IT! |
| 2005 |
4 |
The Legion Get H.S.O.T.W., Doggs Wimper With L.S.O.T.W., Smash and Amish Get First Wins, Dead Still Dead By Extending Losing Streak to 8, Rush Gain Points Lead |
|
| 2005 |
4 |
Canfield, OH (AP) - After a poor showing to the Superbowl Runner Up Bugs in Week 3, there is
question whether the Doom Legion was a contender or a pretender. Then the
DL looked at the schedule and realized that always difficult Rush were next
weeks opponent. Similar to last year, both teams scored well but in the end
the Doom Legion pulled out the win.
At a news conference after the game the owner of the DL stated, "This was a
great win for our team. Not only did we beat a tough opponent, but we
proved that we can score more than 71 points in a week."
This may be the Doom Legions year to make a charge for the postseason since
this is the first time in 3 years that the DL has not started out 0-4. The
post season is still far off and with arch rival nemesises Rab and Adam
still to be opponents, the DL will need to continue to produce or will face
another bannerless year. - Daaan |
|
| 2005 |
4 |
Royalty of 2003 Returns
Bar Harbor, ME (AP) - Spirits are high in The Majesty camp. The franchise is off to its best start since the division winning 2003 season.
“It is refreshing to not have a losing record at this point of the season”, general manager John Nelson announced at his weekly press conference in the lobby of the local Burger King. “Our success has resulted from a combination of multiple breakout performances and a little bit of luck”. Even with their winning situation, negative rumors have surfaced concerning the lackluster performance from their team defense. When asked to comment on this situation, Mr. Nelson simply bent over and pretended to take a full golf swing.
It is hard to believe that last season’s team had to bribe people with free admission, free beverages, and a cash-bonus of $50 to sit through an entire home game. Other attendance-gimmick failures included football-giveaways signed by Ashley Lelie, bring-your-pet-bird night, and fireworks night inside the domed stadium.
The recent influx of winning-season capital has helped green light the stadium’s “permanent seating project”. “Fans are sick of bringing their own lawn chairs to each game,” explained quarterback Trent Green, “It is the least we can do to help improve our teams image as the potentially winning season unfolds”.
No matter what obstacles face the team this year, The Majesty are optimistic about the long season ahead. - BigD |
|
| 2005 |
4 |
Rush Takes Points Lead
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Despite losing to H.S.O.T.W. Doom Legion, The Axl Rush gained the points lead in Week 4, taking a 15 point lead into week 5.
"We always have the mind set that if you keep scoring, you're going to win," Axl Rush GM Axl said after Monday night's loss. "Last year was just an anomaly. I mean, seriously, if we score a %#^ load of points this year and not make the playoffs, the media will never want to come back to this STATE again. I'll make sure of it."
The Rush face bitter, hated, division arch-rival Wyrmburners in Week 5. They come into this game dead even in the all-time series at 5-5. The Wyrms are coming off of a horrid week, losing to the Smash 87-45. - Commish |
| 2005 |
3 |
OPENING A CAN OF WYRMS |
| 2005 |
3 |
Wyrms Get 2 of 3 H.S.O.T.W's, Dead Bury The L.S.O.T.W., Rush, Doom, Fish Suffer 1st Losses, Amish, Smash, Dead Winless |
|
| 2005 |
3 |
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - It was another big weekend for the Wyrmburners, who made a joke out of their week 3 matchup against the Amish, humiliating them 124-55. An attack coming from all fronts, led by Steve Smith, solidified the win and moved the Wyrms back into first place by points. The Wyrms are tied with the Rush and Majesty by record, after the Rush suffered their first loss of the season to the Majesty, 98-88.
The Wyrms seem to have an easy week coming up in week 4, playing the Smash.- Commish |
|
| 2005 |
3 |
Smash Owner Ponders Retirement
Pittsburgh, PA (AP) - It is rumored that the owner of the Titleist Smash has
been contemplating retirement over the past couple of weeks. With an 0-3
start to this young season and not earning a banner since the 2002 season,
it is easy to see why this owner is frustrated.
This from the owner of the Smash: "I just think we have lost the
ability to put a winning team on the field. Obviously, when you put all your
eggs in one basket by taking the league's best QB in the first round, you
are taking a chance. And when that QB does not put up the type of production
you expect from a first round pick, you're not going to win many games. I
think I have lost the vision to lead this team to the next level."
The Smash seem to have played teams that have had players put up big
games, including McNabb in week 2 and Alexander in week 3. These big losses
just might be too much for this owner to take. The only thing that may save
this owner from going over the edge is a quick turn-around to this season,
and that is going to be in the hands of their franchise QB. - RDR |
| 2005 |
2 |
RUSHIN' ROULETTE |
| 2005 |
2 |
Axl Rush Pole-Ax The Dead, Get H.S.O.T.W., Bugs Get The Raid and L.S.O.T.W, Fish, Doom, and Rush Lone Unbeatens, Divisional Battles in Week 3 |
|
| 2005 |
2 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) - It was a great atmosphere at Peart HQ, something that was never thought to be seen ever at that location. The Axl Rush convincingly defeated the Day of the Dead 98-53, continuing the Dead's losing streak to 6 games. Very balanced scoring from the Rush sealed the victory even before the Monday night games.
"Hell, I just can't believe these overpaid bastards actually got off their ass and scored some ^%$*ing points", says Axl Rush GM Axl. Axl was a very busy man last year, amassing 18 transactions. With the team the way it is now, all draft picks, Axl may actually be able to sit back and not worry about how to piss off the media, but that is definitely too early to tell.
The Rush play The Majesty in week 3, an already important divisional matchup, who are coming off a 76-60 defeat at the hands of Benny's Doggs.- Commish |
|
| 2005 |
2 |
Banner For The Doom?
Canfield, OH (AP) - After a tumultuous 2004 season, which brought on cries of "waiver wire whore" and a total points championship (but no banner, of course), Dan's Doom Legion now sits atop the Zildjian division all alone in first place, after a 70-56 defeat over the Wyrmburners. Although the season is young, this is definitely a team to watch, with the likes of Bulger, Owens, Driver, and, can you believe it, Droughns?
The Doom gets the 2004 Super Bowl Runner-Up Bugs in a divisional showdown in Week 3.- Commish |
|
| 2005 |
2 |
Defending Champs 2-0
Stow, OH (AP) – It wasn’t pretty, but it was a win. The Fighting Hellfish once again reached into the black top hat to pull out some Monday night magic against the Fighting Amish. After a stellar performance by Brett Farve Sunday afternoon, the Hellfish were down by 8 points on Monday night with both teams having a running back left and Hellfish with an inconsistent receiver. After Tiki Barber was denied the opportunity to walk across the goal line early in the game, it looked grim for the defending champs. Tiki would later prove why he was the first draft pick of the team by scoring two touchdowns. When later asked about the game Tiki said, “We knew it was going to be close going into Monday night, but we have a good history of pulling through and winning in the clutch.” He also light-heartedly said, “I couldn’t let Jason (team owner and GM) down on his birthday; he’d bench me for the next three weeks.” Jason has taken a lot of criticism already this year with his choice of starting lineups. When asked about the player’s reactions to the lineups shuffle Jason responded, “I feel that I still have a good relationship with my players. They know exactly where stand. They perform, they play. It is as simple as that.”
Next week, the Hellfish bring their current seven game regular season win streak back to the Sabian division to face off against a rejuvenated Stallions team. While a win would propel the Hellfish into a solid first place lead, a loss would guarantee a tie with the Stallions for the division lead.
Other Notes: With the win on Monday night, the Hellfish became the first team to win 50 games. The Helfish hold a series lead against the Stallions of 7-4 games. Donovan McNabb of the Stallions is the league points leader averaging 23.5 points per game. - JL |
| 2005 |
1 |
DRAGON BREATH |
| 2005 |
1 |
WyrmBurners Get 1st H.S.O.T.W. of the Season, Smash Get L.S.O.T.W., HellFish Begin Title Defense 1-0 |
|
| 2005 |
1 |
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - After suffering their first playoff loss in the first round of the 2004 playoffs, the Wyrmburners have made a statement to start off 2005 by beating the hapless Stallions 87-53. The Monday Night performance of Michael Vick secured the H.S.O.T.W. This week's performance featured a well-balanced attack with areas of focus on receivers and defense.
The Wyrmburners go for 2-0 against the 1-0 Doom Legion in Week 2. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
1 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Things seem to be OK, for the moment, at The Peart HQ. GM Axl seemed to be in a normal state of mind, unlike the absolute atomic blasts of anger shown last year during Axl Rush defeats. The Axl Rush are coming off a rather anemic 60-49 win over the Titleist Smash, however, the low point total should be an aberration.
"Our 'bigs', L.T. and Steven, had an off day, simple as that. Once they catch fire, we should be OK," says Axl Rush GM Axl. The media can only hope so. Rumors have been swirling that members of the media would rather be strapped to a Tomahawk aimed at another Iraqi insurgent camp than cover another Axl Rush press conference.
The Axl Rush face the 0-1 Dead in Week 2, in which the Rush have their personal best win total against. - Commish |
|
| 2005 |
1 |
Stow, OH (AP) - Raise the banners! As the Fighting Hellfish begin their first game in defense of their Superbowl championship, none other than the despised Doggs were in town. Having lost the last five times to the Doggs, who also gave the Hellfish one of their two losses in 2004, the Hellfish needed some inspiration. Owner and general manager, Jason Lindsey, wanted to set the mood right by unveiling the division championship banner and the Superbowl banner. This was a momentous occasion for the Hellfish. While the Superbowl has been won multiple times by a single team, since the divisions were formed in 2000, the Fighting Hellfish are the only team to win a division twice, the Paiste in 2003 and the Zildjian in 2004. This year the Hellfish have their goals on completing a hatrick by winning the Sabian and bring home the Superbowl trophy once again.
Having four of their returning players from 2004 Superbowl team, the Hellfish were poised to have good game against the Doggs. The Doggs started things off early with a big game from Kerry Collins, but the experienced receiving core of the Hellfish and the league's top non-QB scorer in 2004 were too much to overcome.
When Jason was asked about the win over the Doggs, he stated, "I was great day for our team. We had this game circled on our calendar as an important one. Since we had not beaten the Doggs since the first time we played them in their inaugural season of 2001, this is just a good way to start the season off."
Prior to the game a lot of controversy surrounded the Hellfish's team and who would get the start. Against much criticism, the team decided to go with a pair of their veteran receivers, Jimmy Smith and Keyshawn Johnson, over last years rookie sensation Lee Evans and third round pick Andre Johnson. Even starting quarterback Jake Plummer was concerned whether or not he would be starting. Andre Johnson was informed Thursday that we would not start. Apparently this did not sit well with him and may have hindered his performance during his limited playing time.
Next week the Benny's Doggs will face a deadly Majesty team, while the Fighting Hellfish will square off against the Amish. - JL |
| 2004 |
14 |
AMISH PARADISE |
| 2004 |
14 |
The Amish Show Some Life and Get The HSOTW, Scrubs Climb From 3rd To Clinching Paiste, The Wyrmburners and Bugs Clinch Wild Card Berths, HellFish Tie Best Record Ever In AFFL, Doom Takes Points Lead With Free For All Week To Go |
|
| 2004 |
14 |
Hubbard, OH (AP) - Overcoming a 17-point deficit Monday Night with the Drew Bennett show, the Fighting Amish came back and knocked the Doggs out of the playoffs by a score of 99-80, finishing with a winning record of 8-6. It seemed as though timely losses were the downfall of the Amish this year, however, they had a successful season and are always a force each year. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
14 |
MN Magic Gets The Wyrms In
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - Trying to fight off a 2-game losing streak and the charging Axl Rush, the Wyrms finally got the win they needed and clinched the Zildjian Wild Card, nipping the Smash 74-73 with a late Eddie Kennison touchdown. Things were looking a little bleak during the game, with Axl Rush's Tony Gonzalez racking up receptions in the 2nd half. However, the Rush's fate was sealed when Kennison scored for a second time. Reports of a mushroom cloud seen over Axl Rush headquarters could not be confirmed due to the time of night the MN game ended. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
14 |
Super Scrubs Clinch Paiste
Circo Zibibbo, Cleveland, OH (AP) - The Super Scrubs, continuing on with their up and down season, ending the regular season about as high as possible, clinching the Paiste division, in a week where they started in 3rd place.
The Scrubs will get to do it all over again with the Bugs, their week 14 opponent. The Bugs clinched the Paiste wild card spot with the Doggs losing. However, the Bugs will need to figure out the Scrubs, losing to them both times this season. These two teams have never met in the playoffs, and the regular season series is deadlocked at 3-3. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
14 |
"Hatred Bowl" Set Up For Week 15
Stow, OH (AP) - The HellFish, tying the best record ever in the AFFL, get to play the team that originally set the record, the Wyrmburners. The record was originally set in the inaugural year of the AFFL in 1999.
Both of these teams despise each other. However, there are some contradicting stats among these teams. The HellFish hold a 7-3 edge in their matchup history. However, the HellFish are winless in the playoffs. Who is undefeated in the playoffs? Why, the team everyone loves to hate, the Wyrmburners.
This game should be especially interesting, since the Wyrmburners are expected to play this game without a quarterback. - Commish |
| 2004 |
13 |
ON THE BUBBLE |
| 2004 |
13 |
Scrubs Break All-Time Scoring In One Game Record, Still In Playoff Chase, 8 Teams Still In Contention, Rush Still In It After Win And Wyrm Loss, Smash Quietly Still In |
|
| 2004 |
13 |
Circo Zibibbo, Clevland, OH (AP) - The Super Scrubs have finally broke the All-Time Scoring In One Game record, last held by the Axl Rush since 2000. With this victory, the Scrubs are still alive in the Paiste playoff chase. With a win, the Scrubs get in.
Comments from Axl Rush headquarters were attempted to be recorded about the new record, however, billowing smoke was seen coming from The Peart HQ complex, and reporters stayed away, at least, the ones that weren't already inside. This was odd considering the Rush are still in the hunt, with their victory. The news of the broken record may have set off the latest meltdown.
- Commish |
 |
| 2004 |
13 |
PLAYOFF SCENARIOS
Brought to you, as always, by the HellFish
|
IN
- Win and in (clinch division title)
- Lose and Doggs lose (barring scoring miracle)
|
|
|
|
|
IN
- Win and in (clinch division title with Bugs loss)
OUT
- Lose and out (barring a scoring miracle)
|
|
|
IN
- Win and in
- Lose by less than 20 and Rush loses
OUT
- Lose by more than 20
- Lose by less than 20 and Rush wins
|
 |
IN
- Win and in (clinch division title with Doggs loss)
|
|
|
IN
- Win and Wyrmburners lose
|
|
|
|
|
IN
- Win by more than 20 and Rush lose
|
|
| 2004 |
12 |
RUSH HOUR |
| 2004 |
12 |
Rush Scoring Machine Continues, Still Alive for WC Spot in Zildjian, HellFish Clinch Zildjian Title, Paiste Still Undecided, Doom Scores 100 And Is Eliminated, Scrubs Polish Off Another LSOTW |
|
| 2004 |
12 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) - The Axl Rush are still alive in the Zildjian Wild Card race. After destroying the Wyrmburners 120-53, who is also the team they are chasing, the Rush are doing what needs to be done. However, to make the playoffs, the Rush must win out, and the Wyrms must lose out. This could be a tall order, with the Wyrms playing the Hellfish, who haven't exactly lit up the scoreboard lately, with past week performances of 65, 69, 80, 53, and 53 the past 5 weeks. With the HellFish already clinching the Zildjian, they really don't have much to play for until the playoffs, and they are sort of limping into the post-season.- Commish |
| 2004 |
11 |
KA-DOOM!!! |
| 2004 |
11 |
Doom Explodes Again, 4th HSOTW, Still In The Hunt, Rush Move to Third, Amish NOT Electric |
|
| 2004 |
11 |
Austintown, OH (AP) - Not ready to die yet, The Doom exploded again for 120. However, two games behind with three to go is going to be tough. However, the way this team is scoring, you just never know. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
11 |
Still Not Out Yet
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Another team not ready to die yet are the Rush. However, even with their 65-54 win over the ailing Smash, the Rush need to make up 3 games with 3 left. Their first win needs to come against the team they are chasing, the WyrmBurners. It's probably just delaying the inevitable, but that's why we play the games. - Commish |
| 2004 |
10 |
THE DEAD HAVE RISEN |
| 2004 |
10 |
Dead Keeps Playoff Hopes Alive, Rush 2nd Highest and Lose AGAIN, Take Scoring Lead, 3-Way Jam in Paiste, Stallions Laughable |
|
| 2004 |
10 |
Puerto Vallarta, Jalisco, Mexico (AP) - The Dead are stirring, and on the verge of rising. The Day of the Dead staged a miraculous come-from-behind victory on Monday night over the high flying Axl Rush. Down by 24 points going into the game and needing a victory to entertain any post-season hopes, the Dead needed some Monday Night Magic from tight end Jason Witten and star wideout Terrell Owens.
They did not disappoint.
Both responded with season high games, combining for 267 receiving yards, 5 touchdowns and 53 points. The Rush did not simply lay down though, posting 27 points, highlighted by a 101 yard interception return. As the clock wound down to zeros, the Dead claimed a 2 point victory.
In post game interviews, TO was asked how he came up with such a great game. "Everyone in this league - even the 18th man on every roster - knows that playing the Rush brings out the best, kinda like that mayonnaise. Everyone talks about my celebrations the next day. I wanted to see what the crazy Axl Rush owner would do in his post-game conference. I just hope the reporters brought their bullet-proof vests with them."
Attempts to contact Dead management for reactions were met with the sounds of a fiesta and chants of " bebé justo del triunfo!!!" - Spanish for "Just win, baby!" - Jank |
|
| 2004 |
10 |
Paula Abdul Accused of Murder
South Euclid, OH (AP) - In a most unusual case, world renowned vocalist and American Idol celebrity Paula Abdul was charged with murder by authorities early Tuesday morning. The victim (a sports journalist who will remain anonymous at this time) was found dead in an Italian restaurant in South Euclid, Ohio. The cause of death is still being investigated, however authorities are eluding to the man being strangled with his own microphone cable. When asked about the grizzly details of the crime, authorities were quoted as saying, "We've never seen anything like this. The victim must have been fighting for his life......I mean, this place was a real mess...overturned tables, marinara sauce all over the walls, bottles of chianti smashed all over the floor...we weren't initially sure if the floor was stained with blood or wine. We're still working on the motive, but Ms. Abdul was a professional cheerleader...this case wreaks of a crime of passion." When asked about how Ms. Abdul became a suspect, authorities responded, "Ya...well, that's pretty cut and dry. When the restaurant owners were opening up today, they saw the victim lying on the floor and ran to him immediately. As the man died, he managed to get out the words "Rush...Rush." - Filth |
|
| 2004 |
10 |
Smelling Blood in the Zildjian Waters
Stow, OH (AP) - The Fighting Hellfish, off to their best start ever with an 8-2 record, can clinch a playoff birth for the second consecutive year with a win over the Italian Stallions. The Hellfish were off to a 5-0 start to the season when they seemed to loose their focus and players during the interdivisional games. After splitting the four games, the Hellfish returned home to the friendly waters of the Zildjian where they have been undefeated this year. When asked about their recent win over the team’s archrival, the Smash, the defensive coordinator and the only personnel left over from the 2000 season, said “Until we make it to the championship game, we have not settled the score. I’m really glad our defense is playing so well, but there is a lot of season ahead of us.”
Outspoken owner and general manager Jason Lindsey had this to say about his team’s chance at making the playoffs:
"I have been personally studying the game films for the remaining opponents with my staff. We think have a good grasp on what we can expect from all the teams except the Rush. What can I say, the team is like a cheap hooker, there’s a new guy there every weekend and everyone’s scoring."
Jason went on to say, “I know this comment is going to be all over your headlines. I don’t care.” The Rush and Hellfish will not meet again until the last week of the regular season, which many early prognosticators thought would be a preview of this year’s playoffs and a rematch of the 2003 showdown. - JL |
|
| 2004 |
10 |
Axl Rush GM Combusts Again
South Euclid, OH (AP) - It's as if a cloud of SHIT is camped right over 2112 Stadium and The Peart HQ complex. The Axl Rush is scoring points at will, in fact, they have now taken over the points lead. However, no one can understand how the Rush is bringing out career games in their opponents. The Rush have the points lead and have the WORST record in the league.
And everyone in the press room wanted the head of Randy Cross on a stick, reporting for Fox, after he asked a most poorly-timed question.
"With the way the Rush has been losing games, how does the Axl Rush feel about the nickname given to them recently, Hellmann's, for 'bringing out the best' in their opponents?"
As the press room crowd of reporters hurriedly braced for more destruction and covered their most expensive gear, Axl merely answered the question calmly and coolly. "That's a fair question. In fact, we're in negotiations with Hellmann's right now to become the official mayonnaise of the Axl Rush. In fact, take a look at our new backboard here." The crowd relaxed and started uncovering equipment to broadcast the new backboard.
As Axl walked away, the press was mesmerized by the new backboard, showing Hellmann's and Axl Rush graphics intertwined. However, the inevitable started when Axl yelled out, "Oh, and also look UP!"
Gallon upon gallon of Hellmann's mayonnaise began dumping from pipes newly installed in the ceiling of the Axl Rush Peart HQ Press Room. The scene looked like a recreation of Ghostbusters, as the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man melted all over New York City. Members of the press were slipping and falling everywhere, and the more they slipped and yelled, the more mayonnaise was dumped. It was a pool of mayo, human, and of course, ruined, expensive video and audio equipment.
Negotiations with Hellmann's have since broken off. The Axl Rush are still mathematically in the playoff hunt, but with the way The Axl Rush is playing, they're sure to "Bring Out YOUR Best." |
| 2004 |
9 |
IT'S ALL GLOOM AND DOOM |
| 2004 |
9 |
Doom Climb Continues, 1 Back of Wildcard, Rush 2nd and LOSES, Bugs Take Second In Paiste, Scrubs Disappoint Again |
|
| 2004 |
9 |
Austintown,OH (AP) - What a reversal of fortune. The Doom have come out of the basement with a force and are now seemingly dominating the AFFL. With another 100+ performance against the Axl Rush, they are in total control and could easily get into the playoffs with five weeks remaining.
Divisional play begins again this week with a matchup against the fallen Fighting Amish. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
9 |
Doom Speaks Out
Austintown, OH (AP) - According to a news conference in Austintown Ohio, the GM of the Doom Legion was asked about his thoughts of making it to the playoffs after their close but impressive win against The Rush. The GM was quoted as stating "We need to take it one game at a time... and with our track record, we'll make it all the way to the top... I mean 3rd place".
When addressing next weeks opponent the GM stated, "This is identical to the Cowboys/Redskins rivally where no matter what their record is the Cowboys always kick their ass. The only problem is, we're not the Cowboys." - WB |
|
| 2004 |
9 |
Defense DOES Win Games
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - Passing...Rushing...Receiving...Hmph! How about that age old adage "A great defense beats a great offense"? Well, this article is geared towards anyone who thinks that drafting a solid defense early is a waste of a pick. Not only is owning a top tier defense recommended, it can also ensure that "W" in the coveted win column week in and week out. Check out the following scenario and see what you think:
(In the voice of that guy who does all of the football clip commentating with that great music playing in the background) It was a chilly Sunday night in Baltimore and on the wind was a Raven. Late in the fourth quarter, the Wyrmburners found themselves in a seven point deficit at the hands of the Doggs. With the frustration of this inevitable loss mounting, Wyrmburner ownership threw their hands in the air and decided to allow sleep to ease their troubled minds. Uh-Oh, what a mistake. With only 27 seconds remaining in the game, Wyrmburner safety Ed Reed decided that enough was enough. In a manner resembling the "Immaculate Reception", Ed Reed scooped up a Jeff Garcia tipped pass approximately 6 yards deep in the end zone...Give 2 points to the Wyrmburners, who are now down by 5. But Mr. Reed was not done. Instead of simply intercepting the ball and 'taking a knee' to end the game, Reed knew that the Wyrmburners needed this victory. As a result, he decided to take action. He ran...and he ran hard. He ran so hard that 106 yards later (a new NFL record), he found himself in the end zone...Add 6 more points to the Wyrmburners, who are now ahead by a single point. And that, my friends, was the ball game.
'Nuff Said... The views depicted above are solely that of the author and not necessarily that of the AFFL. Of course, to his credibility, the author has won 3 championships in 5 years. - Filth |
|
| 2004 |
9 |
How "DARRE"ll They...
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - The Wyrmburner front office was in utter disgust and dismay on Monday. Darrell Jackson, the leading receiver for the Wyrmburners, ended Sunday's game with a 5 catch/114 yard/2 TD performance...a fine 20 point effort by anyone's standards. So why did the entire Wyrmburner organization find themselves regurgitating their supper on Sunday night? As it turns out, DJax (as the Wyrmburners like to call him) was not in the starting lineup. In fact, he was benched late Saturday night when multiple sources reported that he missed practice all week and that he was downgraded to the "Doubtful and not likely to play" status. In his place, Rod Gardner (3 TDs in the last 2 games) was given the nod. After all was said and done, DJax had one of his best games of the year and Mr. Gardner failed to catch a single ball. When asked to comment about the false injury reports, Wyrmburner ownership responded irately. "This is unacceptable. I refuse to believe that DJax would take part in any scheme involving injury report fraud. This isn't the Majesty's organization for Heaven's sake. I want inquiries made...Leave the gun...Take the cannoli...Or whatever other Godfather quote you want to use. I will be taking this up with Mr. Tagliabue and, if need be, all the way up to Mr. Ferone."
Interestingly enough, several unconfirmed reports state that Darrell Jackson was spotted conversing with wideouts Rod Gardner, Laveranues Coles, Isaac Bruce, and Eric Parker on Friday evening. When asked to comment on this suspicious gathering of receivers, DJax tried to grab the microphone but found himself only dropping it. - Carsone |
|
| 2004 |
9 |
Axl Rush On The Brink Of A Breakdown
South Euclid, OH (AP) - The Axl Rush are now in second place in total points in the AFFL and only 11 points behind the leader, the Bugs. Normally, this is a great situation to be in. However, they now sit 5th in the division and 2 games behind an AFFL Wildcard spot. This loss came by scoring 2nd in points this week, but playing the HSOTW Doom.
And of course, with a brutal loss comes an even more brutal press conference afterwards.
"I don't know what the f%$k you guys want me to say!! (long pause) Hmmm, bolted down tables and no Gatorade? Hee hee!!!" said Axl GM Axl just before he smacked the fire alarm on his way out of the press room, setting off the sprinkler system and ruining yet another batch of expensive video and radio equipment. The damages from the first episode have yet to be paid. - Axl |
| 2004 |
8 |
WE'RE DOOMED, DOOMED! |
| 2004 |
8 |
Doom Legion Climbs Out Of Cellar, Only 2 Behind Playoff Spot, Rush and Scrubs Break 100, Amish Have No Spark |
|
| 2004 |
8 |
Austintown,OH (AP) - The Doom Legion, with their HSOTW, have now climbed out of the Paiste cellar and are only 2 games behind the Wild Card spot. Some key free agent signings and trades have contributed to this change in fortune. Also,the team now sits in 5th place overall in points.
Week 9 will prove to be a very important game vs the Axl Rush, who are also coming off a 100 point game vs the Majesty. Both of these teams started slow but are now coming on as of late. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
8 |
South Euclid, OH (AP) - After a convincing 100-70 win over the ailing Majesty, the Axl Rush now find themselves out of the cellar and into 3rd place, only one game behind the Wild Card spot in the Zildjian. With the amount of points the Rush have been scoring this year, it was only a matter of time before the wins would start, and the ascent would begin.
A key matchup takes place in Week 9 versus the Week 8 HSOTW, The Doom Legion. - Commish |
| 2004 |
7 |
LOOKS A LITTLE FISHY |
| 2004 |
7 |
HellFish With 3rd H.S.O.T.W., Regains Point Lead, Rush Wins 2nd, Doggs Take Over Paiste, Zildjian Goes 5-6 |
|
| 2004 |
7 |
Stow, OH or Disaster Land (AP) - Things just keep rolling along for the HellFish. In what some, (and trust me, only some) considered a preview for the Super Bowl, the HellFish handily took care of the Scrubs 89-67 in week 7, keeping their 2 game lead in the Zildjian and taking over the points lead. The HellFish receiving corps has been a staple of their success all year, however, being able to plug in Jay Fielder for the bye-bound David Carr was a real blessing for the Fish.
Comments from HellFish HQ were not obtained due to activities in Disaster Land. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
7 |
Doggs Take Over 1st In Zildjian
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - With another Priest-lead victory over the Smash, combined with a Scrub loss, the Doggs have taken over first place in Zildjian. Although they trail the Scrubs in points by a considerable 70 points, it's the wins that count first.
With a Week 8 matchup against the weak Stallions, the view from atop should last at least another week. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
7 |
Majesty Trouble
Bar Harbor (AP) – Week 7 produced another Majesty loss. Bruised and broken, the organization is gearing up for the AFFL’s second-half climb. If there is any chance for post-season glory, the team must ascend the remaining steps flawlessly. Team headquarters announced this week that preparations have begun for an official Majesty Yard Sale. “Another loss will put us at 3-5,” stated an unnamed source, “I am very confident we will NOT be able to convert that into 9-5. We will have no choice but to make some radical changes. We will bring in new talent and clear out the dead weight. No one will be safe - not Chad, not Randy, no one!”. Experts believe that each player should be sold for an AFFL popular “Buy It Now” price of $20. - BigD |
|
| 2004 |
7 |
Dead Win 1st Game Since Week 2
South Euclid, OH (AP) - The Day of the Dead have finally won another game, beating the Fighting HellFish 61-56. It was the first win since their strong start of 2-0. After 4 straight losses, things at Dead camp were getting a little restless. However, things could have been the same had the Amish not made a fatal mistake. A last-minute lineup change took Chris Chambers out of the game, being replaced by Brandon Stokley. That last-minute decision cost the Amish 8 points, and the victory. You won't see the Dead complaining though.
The Amish could not be reached for comment, surely not by telephone nor horse. - Commish |
| 2004 |
6 |
WELCOME TO YOUR DOOM |
| 2004 |
6 |
Doom Legion Reigns Havoc With 116, The Fish Lose, Rush and Amish Tie, 3-Way Log Jam for 1st in Paiste |
|
| 2004 |
6 |
Austintown, OH (AP) - The Doom Legion, seemingly left for dead in the Paiste, have awakened and put up a H.S.O.T.W. 118 to beat the Dead in Week 6. With some savvy free agent moves, the Doom are definitely not calling it quits just yet, especially since they are only 2 games and points behind first place in the Paiste.
With the Smash, Stallions, and Rush coming up, we could see a major turnaround for the Superfriend Foes.- Commish |
|
| 2004 |
6 |
High Scoring, But Woes Continue
South Euclid, OH (AP) - Things are not going right at Axl Rush HQ. The team is scoring like crazy, but the wins are not coming. The team just can't seem to catch a break.
"Oh, I see they've bolted the tables down this time. But they forgot to hide the Gatorade!!," says Axl Rush GM Axl, as he went on another rampage and sprayed the media with bottle after bottle of Gatorade, shorting out video equipment and ruining thousands of dollars in camera equipment. He continued, "And if you want the Rush to pay for the damages, you can all shove it up YOUR ASSES!!!"
Clearly, this team is in turmoil. If the Rush could put together some wins, they will surely shoot up the standings and sit pretty. However, the wins need to come. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
6 |
Doggs Hand Fish First Defeat
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - The Doggs, powered by the performance of Donald Driver, handed the HellFish their first victory of 2004 with an upset 64-47 victory in Week 6. Injuries aided in the HellFish loss, with Roy Williams and Javon Walker being hindered. The HellFish "Texan Magic" was also missing this week. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
6 |
Stallion Trouble
Bar Harbor (AP) - Italian Stallion fans have cause to worry. A loss to The
Majesty has plunged the struggling franchise into a low-scoring tailspin.
National sports radio stations are buzzing with theories on how this can
happen to such a proud franchise. The most popular theory stems from a lack
of team funding.
An un-named source has stated that Stallion penny-pinching has resulted in
radical changes: sideline Gatorade replaced with warm water (straight from
the gardening hose), airline flights replaced with cross-country car-pools,
and each player asked to “please wash their own dirty, stinky clothes” after
the games. Morale is suffering. A recent budget cut drastically hurt the
Stallion team when kicker, Mike Vanderjagt, was denied hotel accommodations
for the road game. Furious, Mike refused to show for this weekend’s Majesty
game in Bar Harbor.
One team's suffering is another’s gain. The Majesty have stabilized with a
3-3 record. Game statistics reveal a total of 3 passing touchdowns among
Majesty receivers. However, the same statistical report shows a total of
zero (0) attributed to QB Chad Pennington. When asked how his lack of
red-zone production resulted in passing touchdowns, Pennington replied,
“Magic”.
Looking ahead to this weekend’s match up, The Majesty face a vengeful
Wyrmburner team. “Winning games outside of our division is the key to
success”, Pennington noted, “It is up to the rest of us to fill in for Randy
while he recovers from his hamstring injury. I have talked with my
receivers and I am confident that we’ll be ready for the challenge. Former
Wyrmburner players, David & Ashley, cannot wait to return home and show up
their former teammates”, Pennington added, “We will all have a hearty laugh
when it’s all over.” - BigD |
| 2004 |
5 |
SCHOOL'S IN SESSION |
| 2004 |
5 |
HellFish get 2nd H.S.O.T.W., Scrubs back to 90s, The Doom finally win, Inter-Division play begins Week 6 |
|
| 2004 |
5 |
Stow, OH (AP) - The HellFish, with their 94-75 win over the Axl Rush, have started the season a personal-best 5-0, and are heading into inter-division play with a 2-game lead in the Zildjian. Although down by 2 heading into Monday Night, The HellFish Monday Night Magic held true once again and pulled the Fish into victory.
You may recall this team back in 1999 starting the season a perfect 4-0 before finishing the season a league worst 5-9. Can that happen again? Judging by the way it's going so far, history should change. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
5 |
4th Best Scoring, 2nd Worst Record
South Euclid, OH (AP) - It's yet another frustrating aspect to the 2004 Axl Rush season. The team sits 4th overall in total points, however, they possess a 2nd worst 1-4 record, and last place in the Zildjian.
"We're catching the wrong teams at the wrong time," says Axl Rush GM Axl. "What good are the points if no wins come with it? Compound that with our "bring out your best" aura, and what you have is a pile of shit team."
The Rush will need some wins, and rather quickly, if they have any shot at the playoffs this year. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
5 |
The Doom Legion Finally Win
Austintown, OH (AP) - The Doom Legion have finally one their first game of the 2004 AFFL season. A rather anemic 60-57 win over the Majesty did the trick, but The Doom won't complain.
Some rumors were circulating in the crowd after the game whether Majesty GM BigD Pomponio started some "new RB prospects" to give his GM bro a break. Of course, that would be a foolish thing to do in the middle of a divisional race. These rumors could not be confirmed at press time. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
5 |
Scrubs On The Climb, For This Week
Circo Zibbibo, Cleveland, OH (AP) - Two weeks after setting the 2nd highest team score in a week, and one week after setting the 2nd lowest team score in a week, the Super Scrubs have come back with a 93-80 win over the high-scoring Bugs this week. Heading into inter-division play, we think we can predict the Scrubs having success, but we're still not sure of that curve ball that could come in a 20-something performance. - Commish |
| 2004 |
4 |
INFESTATION |
| 2004 |
4 |
The Bugs Swarm The Doom, Take H.S.O.T.W., HellFish Still Perfect, Bubbles Burst, Set 2nd WORST Single Game Score, Rush Get 1st Win, Doom Still Winless |
|
| 2004 |
4 |
Girard, OH (AP) - The Boneville Bugs, with their high-powered running attack, took care of the winless Doom Legion 84-60 this past weekend. They are now second overall in points.
"When the Adam Steckler deal fell through in Week 3, we thought we were going to be facing the Black Flag," says Bugs GM Ted. "Now that we've signed Michael Pittman, we should be able to continue our stinging running attack."
With an already-important Week 5 matchup with the Scrubs, the Bugs are already in the mix for the division lead.
- Commish |
|
| 2004 |
4 |
Fish Devour Wyrms
Stow, OH (AP) - In an attempt to achieve their second 4-0 start to a season, the Hellfish were lured into a seemingly uphill battle with bitter rivals, the Wyrm Burners. The outcome was less than stellar for the Wyrms as they ended their one game win streak, bringing their record to 1-3. With the Hellfish solidifying their position atop the division, many are still skeptical referring back to the 1999 fall from grace the team suffered. Marvin Harrison commented, "This is not the same team that we had in 99. That team was predicated on defense. This year we are winning with a good balance of offense and defense. We are confident about our chances this year."
Owner Jason Lindsey was asked for a comment on his team's recent success in comparison to the team from 1999, "We were decimated by injuries that year. This is an entirely new roster with an organization behind it that is dedicated to winning." And win they have. This win moves the Hellfish past the Wyrms into sole possession of second place on the all time wins list.
While this win would have been a good one to tell the grandchildren, it appears that the Wyrm Burners let another one get away. The Wyrm Burner front office had no comment with regards to the game or recent personnel movement. - JL |
|
| 2004 |
4 |
Axl Rush FINALLY Win
South Euclid, OH (AP) - After following up a Super Bowl appearance by going 0-3, the Axl Rush have finally won a game by beating the worst-scoring Stallions 66-38. However, concern has settled in at Rush camp, as the Rush have failed to score a touchdown with their runnings backs and wide receivers in 3 consecutive weeks. However, the Rush still sit 5th overall in total points scored.
"Yes, we are having a huge problem scoring touchdowns, but no one has hit the panic button yet, and we aren't at Stallion or Doom level yet either," says Axl Rush GM Axl. "We have the second-highest point total in our division. All we need are some eek-out wins and we'll be fine.
The Rush face the division-leading and undefeated HellFish in Week 5.- Commish |
|
| 2004 |
4 |
Lineup Change Costly For Majesty
Bar Harbor (AP) - In a surprise lineup move Sunday morning, the general
manager of The Majesty issued an executive order to pull starting running
back Jonathan Wells. He was replaced with wide receiver T.J.
Houshmandzadeh, making his first AFFL start. Unfortunately,
Houshmandzadeh’s poor performance cost the team dearly as they fell to the
Fighting Amish.
Mr. Wells lashed out at the Majesty organization, “Why did they bother
picking me up from the waver wire if they had no intention on starting me?
I am positive that I would have had over 100 yards and a touchdown! You
start me – you win. I think it’s that simple.”
The Majesty GM tried to keep the peace by calmly explaining that the lineup
change was part of simple verbal logistics. “I believed adding the name
‘Houshmandzadeh’ on the lineup would confuse the opponent”, Mr. Pomponio
clarified, “Wells is a good kid but he knew that using a confusing name
[against the Fighting Amish] may be best for the team”.
In protest to the benching of Jonathan Wells, Majesty quarterback Chad
Pennington refused to play up to his full potential. Following the game,
Pennington was asked about his lackluster performance. “They can’t make me
throw touchdowns when I don’t want to,” vented Pennington, “I did this for
Jonathan. Besides, I am still surprised that this organization started that
new gal, Ashley Lelie, instead of Jonathan. I don’t even think she scored a
single point. I am very disappointed.” - BigD |
| 2004 |
3 |
HE'S SO BUBBLY |
| 2004 |
3 |
The Scrubs cleanse a 2nd-best single game score, Fish over 100, Stallions look headed to glue factory |
|
| 2004 |
3 |
Circo Zibibbo, Cleveland, OH (AP) - The Super Scrubs, with their 129-point performance, set the 2nd highest point total for a single game's performance, taking that spot which had been held by the Doom Legion for nearly four years. The Scrubs were only 3 points away from tying the record, which is still held by the Axl Rush (132).
A more frightening stat, however, was broken. The largest margin of victory record was shattered with a margin of 80. Ironically, the record was held by the then-named Coasters, now Fighting Amish, over the WyrmBurners, with a margin of 73, who was the victim of the new record.
"I'm obviously impressed with my team's performance, but I hope I didn't use up all of my points in one week," says Scrubs GM Jason Dunn.
- Commish |
|
| 2004 |
3 |
Stallions Can't Score
Was Mentor, OH - (AP) The problems continue for the Italian Stallions. Points have been rare, and now the loses are coming with the lack of those points. Aside from their Week 1 win, the Stallions are by far the worst team in the league. Only time will tell if improvements can be made.- Commish |
|
| 2004 |
3 |
Fish Follow Up H.S.O.T.W. with Century Mark Score
Stow, OH (AP) - One week removed from their H.S.O.T.W., The Hellfish come back with a 50-point "pole-axing" of the Dead, 107-57. The performance was highlighted by a 36-point beauty by Javon Walker.
"As my opponent would like to say, 'Just Win Baby'," says Hellfish GM Jason Lindsey.
WOW. A reply from Dead management was attempted, but unsuccessful. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
3 |
Bring Out Your Best!
South Euclid, OH (AP) - A disturbing trend has now re-surfaced for the Axl Rush. Teams are starting to show their best whenever the Rush comes up on the schedule. After seemingly defeating this curse last year to post a Super Bowl Runner-Up team, the Rush may face this devastating problem once more.
"Marc Bulger, Jamal Lewis, Ashlie Lelie? What the F&%K am I supposed to do? Will you tell me??" says Axl Rush GM Axl, in a shortened press conference in which the GM got up, spilled the press conference table over and onto some reporters and left. The Axl Rush are 0-3, and things are looking pretty ugly in the Axl Rush camp. Receiver problems are plaguing this team, and first-round pick Ahman Green has disappointed as of late.
With a Week 4 meeting against the hapless Stallions, maybe this is just what the doctor ordered for the Rush. We'll just have to see. - Commish |
| 2004 |
2 |
GONE FISHIN' |
| 2004 |
2 |
The newlywed says "I do" to H.S.O.T.W., The Bugs take season points lead, Stallions give Italians a bad name |
|
| 2004 |
2 |
New York City (AP) - This past week, in an effort to boost player moral and productivity, Jason Lindsey, the owner of the Fighting Hellfish, recently invited the entire team to the ESPN Zone in New York City to study game film and partake in a little entertainment. Jason commented "Although we won our game in week one, I was disappointed with our production. I take full responsibility for not having a more active role in preparing our team. This will not happen again."
Eddie George, currently third on the Hellfish's depth chart of running backs was quoted as saying, "I needed to step my game up to get some playing time. I knew I had it in me this week." Sources say that a convincing early morning phone call made by Roy Williams to the Hellfish owner helped to get him his first start of the season in which he scored two touchdowns. "I was half asleep when he started mumbling something about it being a beautiful day in the neighborhood without Mr. Rogers", Jason said.
While the final numbers have not been released yet, analysts have calculated that this win will move the Hellfish into a three-way tie for second place in the all-time franchise wins category matching the defeated Stallions. - JL |
|
| 2004 |
2 |
Bugs Take Over Point Lead Girard, OH - (AP) Don't look now, but the Bugs are red hot. With their 95-point performance over the Amish, the Bugs are the best scoring team in the league. Their tri-RB attack is proving to be a major force to contend with. The Bugs Week 3 showdown against The Majesty is shaping up to be an important divisional battle.
Several attempts to contact Bug headquarters were unsuccessful, due to earth-shattering technology called e-mail being installed there. - Commish |
|
| 2004 |
2 |
L.S.O.T.W. Hasn't Broken the Century Mark
Was Mentor, OH (AP) - Two dismal weeks, and now a L.S.O.T.W., have brought the Stallions only 97 total points for the season thus far. Reason? How about 9 points among all Stallion running backs in two weeks. You would think a team called the Stallions would be a good running team. How about we switch the name of the team to the Slugs? And no, not the 45mm kind. |
|
| 2004 |
2 |
2003 Zildjian Champs Get First Win
Bar Harbor (AP) - Rebounding from the first week loss to their arch-rival Super-Scrubs, The Majesty welcome their first win of the season over Benny’s Doggs. “This was a big win for us”, Majesty quarterback Chad Pennington stated after the game. “Thus far, the injury bug has avoided our starters. As long as this core group sticks together each week, I am very optimistic about our chances this year”, Pennington added.
Shortly after the interview, Pennington surprised the AFFL by announcing that he was missing next week’s game (against the Boneville Bugs) to “meet up with Ricky Williams and travel around Asia for a week”.
General Manager DionP was not available for comment. - BigD |
| 2004 |
1 |
DEAD MEN SCORING |
| 2004 |
1 |
The Dead bust out of the gate with H.S.O.T.W., The Doggs match him after suspect draft, Wyrm's flame is snuffed |
|
| 2004 |
1 |
Iowa (AP) - Could it be a different year for the Day of the Dead? History shows that we normally don't see this kind of performance from the bone guys. However, After strong performances from T.O., O.Smith, and D.Davis, this could be the year we can't look at the Dead weeks as bye weeks.
"I honestly looked at this game as a bye week", says Axl Rush GM Axl F. "Normally, I look at this team on the schedule and breathe a sigh of relief. Today, I'm just shaking my head."
The Dead will be able to prove if they are for real next week, when they take on the WyrmBurners, who had a miserable week grabbing the LSOTW in Week 1.
"I honestly looked at this game as a bye week", says Axl Rush GM Axl F. "Normally, I look at this team on the schedule and breathe a sigh of relief. Today, I'm just shaking my head."
The Dead will be able to prove if they are for real next week, when they take on the WyrmBurners, who had a miserable week grabbing the LSOTW in Week 1. |
|
| 2004 |
1 |
Mineral Ridge, OH (AP) - Many will wonder what happened at the 2004 AFFL Draft when the Doggs, with the first pick of the draft, drafted a team not many would expect. However, with Week 1's performance, many will wonder how this franchise does it sometimes. Although a questionable BKUP1 start cost the Doggs the H.S.O.T.W $$$, this team could be poised for another AFFL Playoff run, despite losing a top receiver in Steve Smith. |
|
| 2004 |
1 |
Newton Falls, OH (AP) - Judging from this team's past, you normally don't expect pathetic performances such as this. But this is a new year, and a new team. With a L.S.O.T.W. right at Week 1, they're could be some soul searching over at the WyrmBurner camp. Some sources whisper there could be a mass magazine/cheatsheet burning at WyrmBurner headquarters, however, we weren't able to confirm those rumors. |
|
| 2004 |
1 |
Hubbard, OH (AP) - A source close to the Fighting Amish organization, speaking on the condition of anonymity, confirms there was a wild bash at team owner Adam Buser's home to celebrate their week one victory over Dan's Doom Legion. After improving to 7-0 lifetime against the Legion, Buser was said to have toasted his team by saying "They should change the team name to Adam's Doom Legion, because we OWN them!" Quarterback Daunte Culpepper rejoiced "Same old Doom Legion!", and Clinton Portis interrupted with "Same old sorry ass Doom Legion!" Neither the owner nor the team would comment for this report saying that they were totally focused on the their Week 2 tilt with the Boneville Bugs. - Buse |
|
Clinched Paiste and #1 Seed in AFFL Playoffs
Can Clinch Wild Card With a) WIN, b) LOSS + Amish Loss + Dogg Loss + Doom Loss, c) Other Stuff
Can Clinch Zildjian With a) WIN + Dogg Loss, b) WIN + Dogg Win but not outscored by Doggs by more than 36 points, c) Loss + Dogg Loss but not ouscored by Doggs by more than 36 points
Can Clinch Zildjian With a) WIN and Doom Loss, b) WIN and Doom Win but outscore Doom by 37 or more, c) Loss and Doom Loss but outscore Doom by 37 or more
Can Clinch Zildjian With a) WIN and Doom Loss and Outscore Doom by 77
Can Clinch Sabian With a) WIN, b) Amish Loss, c) Loss and Amish Win but Amish does not outscore by 7 or more
Can Clinch Sabian With a) WIN + Condor Loss + outscore Condors by 7 or more
